Why I Wish My Parents Had Known the Enneagram

I grew up as the oldest of four children to very young parents. Let me say from the outset that if I had had children at the age of 20, I would have ruined them, for sure. There is much goodness that comes from youth, but self-awareness isn’t always at the top of that list. And, frankly, there were very few people who had ever heard of the Enneagram in the 1970s.

The Enneagram is an ancient wisdom tool that gives us a very useful framework for understanding our underlying motivations, our core fears, our worldview and our patterns of thinking, feeling and acting in the world. I find it helpful to remind myself that we all see the world through the lens of our Enneagram type and remembering that fact lends itself to a better understanding of ourselves and others.

So, what might have been different if my parents had known that I was an Enneagram 7? 

1. Motivation: The desire to experience life to the fullest and the avoidance of pain & discomfort

Fortunately, I was more of an introvert and consequently a little more practical than my fun-loving Ennea 7 counterparts. However, I was always focused on the next stimulating thing—whether a book or a ski trip or a night out with friends. I never wanted to be bored and my parents’ solution to that was simply more chores. And while housework certainly didn’t hurt me, it might have been helpful to learn earlier in life that not every day can be filled with new, exciting experiences—that life is full of perfectly acceptable, ordinary moments.

2. Emotional vice: Gluttony

In Enneagram language, gluttony is defined as excessive indulgences for new people, ideas, things, and experiences. If a little is good, more is better. The consequence of chasing after the ‘new and shiny’ is an underlying un-satisfactoriness. As a kid, I would bounce from thing to thing thinking I was having the wrong experience rather than allowing myself to truly embody the experience I was having in the present moment (which inherently brings with it a sense of OK-ness). 

3.  Orientation to time: Future

I was always looking forward into the future. Whether near term or longer term, I craved forward motion. My parents were more grounded in the past and the present, so we tended to miss each other. My focus was planning and anticipating the next thing and although they ultimately supported my future plans (especially the more responsible ones), I was mostly on my own in that arena.

4. Social stance: Independent/Aggressive

Perhaps the biggest difference between my parents and I was our approach to how we pursue what we want in life. To this day, I still have a very fast-paced, assertive, independent way of showing up in the world. Whereas my mother was rather compliant and tended to want to understand expectations and norms before moving toward what she wanted. My father had more of a withdrawing approach—he’d observe and assess things quietly and take his time before making decisions. They often thought I was moving a little too quickly and I was usually impatiently waiting for them to ‘catch up.’

5. Dominant Center of Intelligence: Thinking

We all have three centers of intelligence: thinking, feeling & acting, but we also tend to have one that is more dominant. I have always leaned toward rational thought, curiosity, ideas, analysis. On the other hand, my mother was much more feeling dominant. Looking back I think she felt like she missed out on a deeper connection with me because I didn’t have such easy access to emotions. 

One of the beautiful things about life is the richness of diversity. Having a better understanding of those differences and how everyone sees the world through a different lens can make the day-to-day of relationships a little easier. 

If you’re feeling like you’d like to understand yourself better, I’d love to offer you a complimentary call and explore how the Enneagram may be able to support you.